It Will Not Be Enough...

Something I love about being a student at BYU-I is the opportunities given to students.  There are always events going on, and not only for the singles, but for the married students too.  Elder Bednar and his wife came to visit BYU-I this past week.  That evening they did a "date night" with the married students in the Hart Gym.  There, President Gilbert and his wife asked the Bednars a series of questions.  We were able to learn from this apostle and his wife on a more personal level.  I learned that their entire courtship was about a year and half -- not something that is common.  
I learned about them struggling through school together, and then also their struggle as they furthered their education.  Elder Bednar was getting his P.h.d, they had two children, and he just got called to be an early morning seminary teacher.  There was a group of six working with this specific professor and the professor told Elder Bednar that his chances of completing this program while splitting his time between his family, religion, and his education was frankly impossible. They shared some stressful situations during this time and how they stayed connected even during the madness.  In the end, Elder Bednar was the only one who earned his degree.  
I learned about her as a mother.  She talked about her pregnancies and how they made her incredibly ill.  She talked about raising little ones and the craziness that goes into that.  Elder Bednar specifically told the men and women that we need to be careful that we don't make our spouses fight for our attention.  I can only imagine how difficult that gets the more children you have! Then Elder Bednar stopped everything and said, "There is something that I have to tell you tonight. And I am going to be perfectly honest with you."  He then went on to say that whatever our parents did to raise us, will NOT be enough to raise our children in this world. He told us that we will have to do more.  Then he said, "Now, this should not scare you.  That is not what I am trying to do."   When he was talking, I wanted to be afraid.  I thought to myself, "What do you mean?" To be honest, I thought my parents did a fantastic job raising us in the gospel.  But as I really thought and prayed about what he was saying, I felt peace and I knew he was right.  What my parents did, although definitely praiseworthy, will not be enough anymore. 
 In January, (by some SERIOUS divine help), we started reading the Book of Mormon as a family. I use the word "read" really loosely because basically we are trapped in Porter's small bedroom and he is usually jumping around and screaming while Trent and I read him the scriptures. We follow an Instagram account called BofM365.  Every day it gives you a section of scripture to read, and by the end of the year you will have read the entire Book of Mormon.  It's the perfect reading size for Porter. And you know what is even crazier, it's a habit.  Porter is 18 months, but he knows that right before bedtime he points to the scriptures and says, "Scriptures!" And then he knows that we do family prayer right after that.  But I can feel in my heart that even that is not enough.  And I need to exert every effort in defending, teaching, and raising my children with the help of the Lord.
Bednar also talked about having conversations with your children every day, and about the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He also talked somewhat about PPI (personal priesthood interviews), and said if you haven't started this by three or four, you're starting too late. Another point was our kids need to know that they can come to us first when they sin, and then we (child and parent) can go to the Bishop together and use his keys and power to make things right.  He said, "The church programs Primary, Young Womens, Young Mens, etc., are not your replacement and it is NOT their duty to teach your children for you." 
 He said this all much more powerfully and eloquently than I am writing it. But Trent and I were truly inspired when we left his presence.  We had a really good discussion afterwards and this topic has been on my heart ever since.  I knew I needed to write what I learned down so that I could come back to this post (as I do on occasion with my other ones), and reflect and renew my commitment to be a better parent with Trent.  
Another apostle is coming to speak to my stake on Valentine's Day! I don't know which one yet, but I am excited to learn at his feet.

Busy Toddler

January is OVER! What? Didn't we just start celebrating this year and we are already one month down.  I am not complaining.  We have exactly ten weeks until graduation, and four weeks until we find out the exact location of Trent's work, and 14 weeks until baby is here.  Everyday I have to try and remind myself to live in the present and be happy with the "now" in life.  But it's so hard when there are so many new things right around the corner, and I really want to know how everything is going to play out from here to May. Lots of decisions. Lots of prayers. Lots of changes.  
So. To keep us sane over here while the weather sucks, we have been following this girl on Instagram called Busy Toddler. Every day (or close to it), she posts an activity she does with her two babies.  One is almost three and one is 18 months.  I pick about two or three activities from the week before and plan those activities for the following week.  This week, we did pudding paint and cloud dough.  Pudding paint basically turned into snack time, with very little painting (only from Mom over here), but cloud dough was a 30 MINUTE hit! Say what?! Have any of us seen Porter play with anything for 30 minutes? Nope. 
Pudding paint is just vanilla pudding and food coloring mixed together.

I love that last blurry picture for some reason.
Now, I will introduce you to cloud dough.  4 cups of flour mixed with 1/2 c. of vegetable oil.  You can mold the flour into balls, and we got out some little measuring spoons and pushed the dough into them.  Now, this lady is smart and has a "tarp" (its a shower curtain) that she always puts her activities and children on top of so that the mess is an easy clean up. However, I naively thought I could contain the child to my little tub. Yeah, right.

There was a bit of eating the flour at first, but that didn't last too long. I mean, it's flour and vegetable oil. He can eat it, but it's pretty gross.  
Now, we just need to find more friends (I HATE THAT EVERYONE MOVES EVERY THREE MONTHS), and get some play dates going over here to help with our sanity!

Surprise Trip to Jackson Hole

I called Trent on Friday letting him know that I wasn't going to prepare dinner tonight because it was Date Night which means no dishes for Mama!  He told me that I would actually need to make something because he had a date planned for Saturday, and it couldn't be done on Friday.  It has been a few months since either Trent or I has "planned" a Date Night.  We usually go out to dinner with Porter and call it good, so I was pleasantly surprised.
When I got home that afternoon, Trent said that he had been talking to Dallas a few days ago about special dates.  Dallas had asked for some advice and Trent was giving him some ideas/sharing experiences.  He talked about our first "real" date that Trent planned for me and some other special dates he had done in the past.  He told me, "After I got done talking to Dallas, I thought to myself when was the last time I had planned a special date for my girl. So, I booked us a room at a resort in Jackson Hole for the evening!"
I was pretty shocked.  I am two things.  1. a planner and 2. a saver. Which is why I would NEVER plan a spontaneous trip like this on my own.  Good things we have husbands for balance . After Trent's volleyball tournament the next day, we headed out to Wyoming.  I took SO many pictures of the drive because it was honestly OUT OF THIS WORLD.  And then I never took pictures again! We were too caught up in the excitement! Oh well! When we got there, Trent had chocolate covered strawberries waiting for us in our room.  Those are my absolute favorite things in the entire world, so I was pretty excited.  Afterwards, Porter, Trent, and I got into our swim suits and headed to the pool.  The pool is half indoor and half outdoor and completely heated.  We went to the outdoor half and it was unbelievable! We were swimming in 20 degree weather, but we felt so warm and cozy from the heated pool! It was slightly snowing all around us, but we were still completely warm!  It was definitely a highlight.  Especially to Porter who HATES cold weather.  But because he felt so warm he kept asking to go swimming outside. It was awesome.
Afterwards, we got ready and went to explore Jackson.  There are so many shops I wish we had more time to explore them all! There were a few events going on, but Trent and I really wanted to watch the Cardinals game in that heavenly bed.  So after some exploring, we went to eat at the Gun Barrel, which is delicious, and headed back to the hotel.  By the time we got back, it was Porter's bed time.  I'll be honest, I fell asleep pretty quick.  That bed.  I didn't know beds like that existed.  Porter did pretty good, but he doesn't do well sleeping in new places.  So it was a little tough getting him to bed.  In the middle of the night, he woke up and climbed in bed with us.  At 6 A.M. the next morning he popped up from the bed and yelled, "Hello! Hi! Hi!" at Trent and me until we woke up.   We were exhausted -- and so was Porter who usually sleeps until 8 A.M., but unfamiliar places make for a hectic schedule.  We ate a super fancy breakfast from the hotel and then went swimming again because it was Porter's favorite thing and he kept begging us to go.   Soon after that we had to pack and check out.  It was such a quick trip, but I loved the experience.

I made the picture above using an app from my phone and a picture from our drive.  I feel the pressure to travel, you know?  I see people visiting foreign countries and places.  I hear people talk about the places they have been, the people they have met, and the experiences they have gained.  And part of me wants that.  But that is just not in our stars right now.  We don't have the money and time to travel the world, and I am learning that's okay.  Instead on focusing on all of those travel quotes my new phrase is "Go Outside & Explore."  This summer Trent MADE me rent some mountain bikes and we went up to the mountains to explore.  I had a pretty negative attitude about the process at first, but by the end of the day I was amazed at what I saw just 30 minutes outside of Rexburg.  This weekend, I had a similar experience.  I absolute hate winter.  It is my least favorite season.  But my perspective changed when I saw the fun and beauty this season has to offer.  The key was to go outside and explore what was around me.  I don't think you have to be a world traveler to see the beauty the world has to offer. I really think that some of that beauty and adventure can be found close by!

Goodbye, 2016 and Book Thoughts

If 2016 is going to be like the two weeks I just had, I am more than ready to kick 2016 out the door.  Little did I know the ultrasound was the tip of the iceberg.  But it's fine.  A new week. A new start. And a chance for happier news! Like the good news we received Monday!  After a very, very long ultrasound, the baby's heart looks completely fine! I have been too busy to really dwell on the thought that something could be wrong, which I am thankful for.  Also, Porter, my Porter, who has NEVER had a problem being with other people, now has a problem.  His first time at nursery he did awesome.  But Sunday he had complete anxiety attack and three major meltdowns which landed him back with me or Trent.  Then Monday when Trent took him to the babysitter, he totally lost it again. I am not strong enough for that. Good thing Trent dropped him off because I would have been crying with Porter, for sure.  I mean, we have 11 weeks more of this.  11 more week of babysitters and school.  11. More. Weeks. His bedtime has been rougher also.  If we put him down has his usual time, 8 o'clock, he will lay in bed for an hour before he actually falls asleep.  And he only takes one nap, which is about an hour long. I hope this a stage. I really hope this is a stage.
Anyways, it really just hasn't stopped.  Porter got the flu again this week and was throwing up.  So I was taking half days and trying to make things work between Trent's schedule and mine. 
Sometimes it can all seem overwhelming.  But, no matter how many times I told myself these past 15 days, "I just can't do it for one more day. I can't do it anymore."  I did.  I got up, and I did another day.  And I am pretty proud of that. 
I finished the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." And... I liked it.  Since reading that book I have made a few changes and it's made a difference.  One thing that really stood out to me was the frump syndrome, or whatever she calls it.  Basically, you stop putting on make-up, dressing nice, and basically trying.  [Insert two hand emoji here]  If you were to ask me, I had an excuse.  I mean, you try being pregnant, working 40+ hours week, keeping the house clean, cooking dinner, all while being a good mother and wife.  
WHEN THE HECK DO I HAVE TIME TO GET READY?   But.  There is my problem again.  I let excuses dictate my potential.  I let the excuse, "I am too busy," override respect for myself.  And Trent didn't marry a frump.  So, I made the change and have gotten ready almost every day.  Because when Porter is throwing up and you are awake most of the night sleeping on a recliner in his room, you don't get much sleep and you will look like a zombie the next day.  But for the most part, I have done super well at doing my hair, putting on make-up and looking like a teacher.  I just feel better about myself. 
Nagging was a whole chapter.  Because it needs to be.  I can really get one Trent when I want something done.  Because I want it done, like now.  One night, I asked Trent to put away the dishes and then I would wash the ones in the sink.  He said that he would do it tomorrow because he wanted to relax for the night. I get that.  The next morning, I gently reminded him again and he said he was planning to do it after something else.  Okay..... So I sat down and started watching Daniel Tiger with Porter.  20 minutes later, his other priority was accomplished, but not the dishes and instead he was on his computer.  I was secretly fuming.  Then I asked myself how I could apply what I have been reading in my book.  Then the thought came to me, I am not doing anything either.  I am just watching T.V., and if I want them done so badly right now, then I guess I'll do them. So. I got up, and put away the dishes.  When I was almost done, Trent looked up and saw what I was doing.  Immediately, he jumped up and said that he was going to do that.  I shared with him why I decided to do them, but also my frustration -- in a super calm, nonchalant way.  He didn't say anything.  15 minutes later, I asked Trent if he could throw away the trash when he left for his church meetings.  And you know what, he just got up and did it right then?!  And I told him how grateful I was for him helping out around the house. 
That might seem small, but it started something.  Yesterday Trent picked up the living room when I came home early from work to watch Porter while he went to school.  He said, "I didn't want you worrying about a messy house on your half-day.  I just want you to focus on Porter."  And then today, I came home and he had vacuumed.  Does he do something every day, not always.  But he does a lot more now.  He does what he can, and I accept it with gratitude.  I use to be like, "Yeah you may have picked up a few toys, but sometime during your day you couldn't find time for dishes? Or mopping? Or one load of laundry?" Why would he want to help me with that type of attitude? 
 Sister Hinckley once said about President Hinckely when he had been serving as prophet for about a year, "He has always been a wonderful man, but there is something special about him now.  The mantle is upon him and I try to remember that when he leaves his ties draped over the sofa [that must be man thing because Trent does that too and I want to SCREAM!] I try to remember that he isn't perfect, just almost perfect."
What I am most interested to see is how our lives change when our roles change.  Will he still be this helpful?  Will we still be this strong as a couple?  Will I get mad when he comes home late from work and complain about his job?  This book puts that last excuse to SHAME.  And although I see her point, I also see the need for balance a little more than she does.   Anyways, I am on to a new book, No One Can Take Your Place by Sheri Dew.  And afterwards, I think I will be reading about or by Sister Hinckley because I admire her greatly.

20 Week Ultrasound

I love Seasons, I really do.  But boy, they constantly full!  Well, you can see their doctors pretty regularly, but getting into their ultrasound techs is a feat.  I should have learned though my last ultrasound, you need to book these things in advance, but I didn't.  SO. The last week of December (when I am 21 weeks along, I call to schedule the anatomy ultrasound. Of course, they were booked a month in advance, so I had them put me on a waiting list to be called as soon as something pops up, even if it is last minute.  They called me on Monday and told me they had something come up the next day at 4. DONE! I would be one day shy of 23 weeks -- perfect timing if you ask me.  I have a love/hate relationship with this ultrasound.  I always fear of what could be detected at this ultrasound, but I love, love, LOVE seeing my babe too.  Everything looked fine, until the end when she checked the heart.  When you listen and watch the heart, there is an obvious stutter.  You can see it and hear it.  I turned to her and said totally nonchalantly, "Oh. Yeah. This is like a heart murmur. Totally common."  She just replied with a, "Kinda. I am just going to have the doctor come in and talk to you,"  I looked and Trent and couldn't read his expression.  So I just nodded.  After she listened to the heart about 3 more times, had me turn on my side, and took quite a lot of pictures of the heart, she went outside and got the doctor.  This doctor is new, and has been there for about 6 months.  I don't know if he is new to the OBGYN practice or just new to Seasons. Regardless, he came in and said there seemed to be something irregular with the baby's heart and that we would need to go down to the High Risk Pregnancy Center in Idaho Falls and see a heart doctor and do more testing. I was pretty surprised. But I plastered a smile on my face.  I think the doctor was surprised with how well I was taking it. I think he felt the need to be more serious, which made me feel the need to be more optimistic.  I asked him what the thought and he said, "Sometimes these situations end up being completely fine and other times they end more serious.  I don't know what to expect with this one." I am kinda bummed we had such an awful first encounter.  I mean, he could deliver my baby and I don't love him like I do the other two doctors. Heck, I want Lovell again!.  Also, if this ends up to be nothing -- I don't know how serious I can take this guy in the future.  He didn't give me an ounce of hope or optimism.  He was just straight with me.  Now, I don't mind forward people, but throw in a statistic -- tell me your professional opinion and past experiences -- give me SOMETHING to go on.   I feel okay. When we walked out of the office, Trent simply said, "I'm really worried."  And then after a few minutes of silence so we could collect our thoughts Trent said, "We are not going to worry about it until we know more.  That's all we can do."  And that's it.  I will set up the appointment tomorrow and hopefully within a week we will know more.  I feel at peace, I feel confident, but there is still some doubt pulling at the back of my mind.

2015 Memories and Hello, 2016

2015 - You left us with some good times.  I said goodbye to a handful of wonderful kids, and welcomed 22 more into my heart. We moved up the ladder and became residential managers.  We went to Utah over the summer and celebrated Porter's first birthday with fireworks and the Journey's concert. We were blessed to find out we were expecting another little baby boy. Trent accepted a job in Arizona and we said goodbye to friends and created new ones.  Overall, we really have been blessed this year.  And I am grateful for that.
But Hello, 2016. I have big plans for you.  A friend of mine that I did pageants with chooses one word each year. That's it.  One word that is going to be the definition of her the following year.  I love that idea.  Trent turned to me the other day and said, "For me, 2016 is going to be the year of health."  That is huge, folks.
I don't know if you have met my husband, but he can eat anything and everything and never gain a pound.  When we were dating, he had McDonald's multiple times a day.  It's unfair, really.  But he realizes that weight doesn't determine your health.  And I love that about him.  He wants to incorporate more healthy foods into our lives (HALLELUJAH!), exercise more, and get his flem thing checked out (another miracle).  I almost died of happiness. 
Personally, I do want to lose weight.  But lately it has been so much more than that. I can feel my body hating life. I can feel I am groggy, unhealthy, and my body is in a slump.  I guess I could blame it on pregnancy, but I know better. I can't do something as extreme as Whole 30 right now, it just doesn't fit our lifestyle right now, and that's okay.  But in the mornings, I bought some slimfast shakes for breakfast.  I bought greek yogurt and fruit for snacks.  I am making my lunch instead of buying it, and I am watching my portion sizes at every meal.  These are simple, healthy changes that I hope will make a difference.  Once we move to AZ, I am going to get a gym membership that has a daycare. Hopefully.
Health also goes beyond the physical aspect.  Health incorporates mental, emotional, and spiritual health too.  Health. Our word for 2016.