I received a message from a sweet mother that use to be in my ward. They moved to further their education, and in the process she had to go back to work because he had to do full-time school. Not an unusual circumstance. But honestly, she isn't the first person to come and ask these same questions. "How do you do it?" is probably the most common.
Here is what she wrote me:
Hey, Chelsea! I've been thinking about you lately and just wanted to see how you manage to do so much. For the past couple of months I've been working full-time and it's been really difficult for me to find balance. Even though I am SO BLESSED to work from home, I still spend hours at the computer all day, and [my child] ends up watching WAAY more TV than I would normally allow him to. He's gotten very good at playing on his own, and I'm so glad he's taken care of, but I don't want to miss out on playing with him. I feel like the whole social media mom trend right now is putting down your phone and playing with your child, and how nothing should come before spending time with a child because they grow up too fast. Well...sometimes we just don't have that luxury. You told me awhile ago that you had come to terms with this - I'd really appreciate your insight because for me it's been really hard to know that I'm not making the most of every moment with him.
I seriously love, love, LOVE this woman so when she wrote me this, my heart broke. She is one of those types who knows her calling is motherhood. She has the vision and feels the importance of the calling God has given her. To all my sweet comrades in the trenches of being titled the "working mom," here are some things I have learned these past two years.
1. Priorities. This one has bee the hardest for me to figure out. Last year, I still spent waaaaay too much time working extra hours. To say it simply, I wanted to be the best. I was getting praise in all directions, I was made the fourth grade team lead (my SECOND year - very uncommon). I was teacher of the month for the district.14 parent out of my 21 students personally requested me as their child's teacher. My principal thought I literally walked on water, and I was just killing it. I was getting too caught up in the glory. Now granted, I tried not to let those extra hours cut in with my "Porter time." I would usually head back to the school from 7:30-10:30 p.m. and put in my extra hours at night. But I was easily annoyed, tired, and my relationship with my husband was slightly strained because I wasn't spending time with him. Before this year began, Trent sat me aside, and said he needed me more. It was a hard conversation between the two of us. I didn't want to let that praise and glory fade. But some things had to change. This year, I work from 7:30 - 3:30 p.m., and that's it. Twice a trimester, I might have to go in on a Saturday to work on a few things, but it's a drastic change from previous years. Part of that has to do with being a third year teacher, I have so many resources and activities that I have previously created it makes my prep easier. I also find myself using my time more wisely and being more effective in time management. Of course, I will still do anything I can to help my students succeed. But once I made the choice to put my family first, solutions to problems have come quicker to my mind. And things that might have taken me longer to accomplish are no longer difficult. And my parents this year...AMAZING! All wonderful things that are blessings from on High for sure.
2. Let it go. Listen. Sanity is priceless. A happy home is priceless. So there will be some things that might not happen. For example, cooking and keeping a spotless house are out the window here. We eat out waaaay too much. We are working on it. Our budget has helped a ton, but I am exhausted after work and Trent starts his day at 3:30 p.m. when I get home and comes back around 9 p.m. Because he is up at the school studying so late, Trent just eats out. I don't want to cook and dirty up the house even more and I am exhausted. So I either don't eat and just make Porter a quick dinner, or we eat out. Also, I am going to admit something only three people know. We totally have a cleaning lady. I am not proud of it. But there were too many heated arguments about cleaning and having the house clean {mainly the complaining was from my end}. Last year, we had someone come twice a week to clean. This year, we have her come every other week. We are trying to do more on our own. Our house isn't spotless like I want. I really do love a clean, perfect house all the time. I'm totally serious. There are very few things that make me happier than a spotless house. It's slightly obsessive. But you know what - It's just not happening right now and good grief is it really something to fight about? No. It's not. It is still livable, it's just not perfect. I have learned that when you are both basically working full time, you need to let some things go. It's more important that I spend some time with Porter { like the four hours I have with him during the day}, than spend that time cleaning. Instead, we are doing play dates, outside, or asking Pinterest what activities you can do with a one year old.
3. Don't take everything so personal. When I chose to go back to work, I had friends who had similar situations, who decided not to go back to work and be a stay at home Mom. Totally great for them, really. I remember talking to one of my friends about it. She had worked in education for one year and then had her baby. She decided not to go back to work. Which I was totally happy for her! We were talking about our situation and if I would be returning to work. I told her I was. She then said. "Yeah, I thought about going back too. But then one day I was working with a student when it hit me. Here I am teaching someone else's child, when the most important thing I should be doing is teaching my own. I knew then that after I had my baby I would let nothing stop me from doing that important thing." Listen. I could have gotten upset about that comment. And for a brief second, I let rage flicker through me. But why? Because how dare she share with me her personal experience? Because how dare she decide to stay home with her child? Because I decided to let myself feel inferior from that conversation? Guess what. Most people in this world don't wake up and say, "How can I be a jerk today?" People will say things, but you can't take everything personally. You have to do what's best for your family. I know working is what we needed to do. I am not working to keep up with our lavish lifestyle. I mean, we live in a 600 square foot apartment. There is nothing lavish about us. We work to survive. I work because one day Trent is going to graduate and I will be at home. That's the goal. That is what we are working for, And if I have to work for three years so that Trent can provide for us the rest of our little life, then I will make that sacrifice. Because in the long run, it's not a sacrifice at all. It's an investment. So when people say things that rub me the wrong way, I remember that 1. they most likely did not mean to offend me and 2. I remind myself the goal and why I am dong this. {I also read my patriarchal blessing that brings some insight on this also}
4. Accept God's Grace: This is what I mainly talked about with my dear friend. So I will just copy what I wrote to her.
It's okay to admit that this isn't what you pictured, or imagined your "mommy life" to be. You're right about the mom trend. I feel it too. I want to talk about grace. Recently, I read the Amazed by Grace book by Sheri Dew. There is something in there that really helped me. Bruce C. Hafen wrote that "the Savior's gift of grace to us is not necessarily limited in time to "after" all we can do. We may receive His grace before, during, and after the time when we expend our own efforts." You are doing the best you can. You deserve His grace. Your sweet babe will be okay. Even though you may not be able to play with him all of the time every day, he will still feel you love him. The Lord will make up for the difference. And also remember, "Disciples, imperfect though they still are, can ask for more energy, more revelation, more patience, more self-discipline, more hope, more love, more healing, more happiness. They can ask for miracles, for freedom from pain, and for the desire to forgive. They can ask for more faith and for help becoming better disciples. We can ask for angels to walk with us {and our children}, because if we live up to our privileges, angels can't be restrained from being our associates." That was also in the book by Sheri Dew. Whatever you feel you need more of to help you and your family during this adjustment. Ask. You have the right as a disciple of Christ to ask. For me, I asked the Lord to help me prioritize better and simplify more. I had to let go of some things that I felt were important, but maybe not as everlasting. It was hard. It still is, especially when I get comments from co-workers or see those "mom trends" on the internet. But my relationship with Porter and Trent are better than ever. I don't know what exactly you might need. Maybe you need some extra angels around your little family to watch over your little ones. Whatever it is, the Lord wants to give it to you. I think he is just waiting for you to ask. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. In fact, it is a wonderful quality. But don't let it get you down. That is never the purpose of improving. The Lord doesn't put us down to improve us. Self-improvement isn't meant to bring us guilt. So don't get caught up in that trap - like I do. Every time.
Trent said to me the other day, "I don't care what those stupid Pinterest quotes or the mommy blogs say. Motherhood isn't about surviving. It is meant to be enjoyed." Trent is with Porter more than I am. And honestly, he loves being with that little guy. When I complain about how difficult Porter is Trent responds with, "How can being with him not be the best part of your day?" That hit me pretty hard. Trent really sees Porter as the greatest thing on Earth. For so long, Motherhood felt like a "chore" almost. I am not saying it's easy. I am not kidding when I say we have a C.R.A.Z.Y child on our hands. The stories I could share, that I should share. It's a miracle we are going for round two. What I am trying to say is, all of those things above have helped me enjoy my life a little more.
Heavenly Father didn't put us on Earth to survive, he put us on Earth to thrive. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for the Holidays. Halloween Porter and I were pretty sick, so we are glad that's over. And plus. I really don't love Halloween, at all. But it's the beginning of my favorite time of year, so I'll take it.
I am finding out the gender the day before Thanksgiving. I had originally called and tried to schedule an appointment, but they were booked past Thanksgiving and pretty well into December. I was so bummed! I called back a week later to just make an appointment whenever they could fit me in, and they said they had just opened up their ultrasound tech's schedule because they were so packed! Hallelujah! So the first available appointment was the day before Thanksgiving. Done. I am sending a package to both sets of grandparents with two boxes that say #1 and #2. In one of them, there will be something representing a girl, and the other something representing a boy. I am going to call them on Thanksgiving Day and tell them which box to open. That way it can still be a cute surprise for them like I had originally planned.
Also. I have already started Christmas shopping. Well, I have for Porter. The Scholastic Book Fair was at our school this week. And it took everything in me to not buy all the books. He is such an avid reader and my teacher heart cannot turn him down when he picks up a book and wants me to read it. We currently have Brown Bear Brown Bear, Llama Llama Time to Share, and What Do Dinosaurs Say When They're Mad completely memorized. We are close with Paw Patrol, Spot, and Biscuit at the Pumpkin Patch. Those are just our current favorites. We have a whole heck of a lot more that are very used, and very damaged! But I don't mind because he really is trying to read them, not just destroy them!
Anyways, in Luke 2:24 it says, "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man." Obviously, our goal is this family is to become Christlike. Therefore, we try to grow and become like him! So every Christmas (well since last year when we started this tradition), we have decided that each member of the family gets four gifts. One of the gifts must help them grow in wisdom. For Porter, I got him a book about trains and colors to help him learn. Another gift must deal with stature. For me, I am getting maternity clothes because my stature is definitely changing over the next couple of months and I need to have dressy clothes for work! The next is favour with God. Last year, I got the book Woman and the Priesthood and basically devoured that thing. It had so many wonderful insights and I definitely felt closer to God. This year, I might do something that involves developing a talent or hobby. I really feel like the Lord wants me to use my talents more effectively to help others this next year. So with that concept, it is basically anything that will bring you closer to God. We also do a family gift every year. This year we are focusing on favor with God. We are hoping to purchase a large canvas of a Reflections of Christ photo for our home. Finally, the usual favorite, favour with man. This can be anything you want. Trent is debating on getting the iwatch for that gift. Mine will definitely be make-up from Sephora.
I love this little tradition of ours. It helps us stay focused on things that matter most.
This year I am holding out for a real Christmas Tree. However, I want to start decorating it now!! But none of the Christmas Tree Farms are running yet. I might cave and get a fake one. But that fresh pine smell in your home while it is snowing outside. There is nothing better. This is actually our first year of even getting a tree. I have a been a scrooge in the past and said, "Who cares. We go home for Christmas anyway!" And while that's true, this year we have sweet Porter who needs to see those traditions in HIS home. Not just in Grandma and Grandpa's home.
Welp. Trent got a job offer that he is super excited about. It is with a FANTASTIC company that Trent really loves and respects.
It's just funny because it wasn't in our plans. When Trent and I talked about graduating, grad school was the usual topic. We were always 80% sure we were going to go to grad school. After I got pregnant, it dropped down to 50% sure. I could tell Trent was feeling the pressure and desire to start providing for his family. But I would rather keep this "sacrifice and save" mentality that we are already in, then go make money and then have to come back to school. Please. No. Plus, we have no debt right now. So grad school will be our only debt which is pretty good. But would a Masters really be necessary? Another hard question that we were trying to figure out. We had to think of what was Trent's career plan and what education would be necessary. Choices, people.
So BYU and BYU-I both hold career fairs where companies and Master schools come and recruit. Trent missed the Utah one because of me... and then ended up missing the BYU-I one because of me. We were really bummed because we wanted him to talk to a few schools about how to get his Master's degree paid for. On Thursday night, Trent left to go see what would be left in the career fair... and come home with an interview set up for a company that he loved. Seriously. He could not stop talking about his company. His only hang up was it is a construction company and he is a Civil Engineer. So, in some ways, he is a little overqualified for the job. But the company sees him as a huge asset because he knows so much, which is great. So after he talked to family and a few friends who knew the industry, he decided to go for it.
Well, he absolutely rocked the interview the next day, Friday. So out of all the young men who interviewed (which interviews were from 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 with 15 minute interviews for the ENTIRE DAY - so A LOT of guys wanted this job), the guys asked Trent if he and I could meet them for dinner that night. Of course we agreed and we all went to dinner at a fantastic steakhouse. We were able to talk about the job more extensively. They told Trent that he would be flying down to AZ for a second interview. They would pay for everything (flight, food, hotel, etc.), and the second interview would be in two weeks. 22 other guys from all across the nation (Utah, Arizona, Idaho, Kansas, Alabama, etc.) from different universities would be there to interview also. The schools that these guys were coming from were pretty competitive. So I was a little worried. But Trent is a pretty confident guy. He flew down, went to dinner and had a blast with the company. He felt like he rocked the interview, and he must have because yesterday we were sent a job offer from the company. If we say yes, we will be headed to ???? on June 6th. I put ???? because when they sent us the job offer they said the location was to be announced. That is a little hard for me to swallow. I would like to know where I am going. This company is HUGE. They have locations from Cali to Maine and over in Israel. We could really be anywhere. We thought that because he interviewed in AZ that is where we would be sent, and that is most likely, just not 100% certain. Also, it could be anywhere in Arizona. We heard there are some job sites that are close to the Mexico, Arizona, California border. It is very likely that in May they tell us we are headed down there. So the unknown scares me a tad. Especially because I will have a four week old baby and a toddler. I need a support system to say the least.
But then there are things about this company that you can't put a price on. For example, Trent loves the guys he would be working with. He had SO much fun with all of them in AZ. He also loves that he will be in the office, but also at the site seeing these creations come to life and being apart of it. The company has amazing benefits you can't beat and they take very, very, very good care of their employees. They do company events where everyone in that location goes to a NFL game, or whatever sport is happening. They pay for our entire relocation cost. And every move after that, they pay a moving company to pack, move, and unpack everything for me, every time. So that takes a lot of stress of moving. It's those small details (and trust me there is a whole list of other great benefits like their AMAZING health insurance that they pay for us and doesn't come from our paycheck), that make it a great opportunity.
We just learned about the offer yesterday so we haven't had a whole lot of time to talk about it. But I am so excited for Trent. This company is amazing and I will gladly follow him wherever to help him reach his goals.
I get anxiety over the silliest of things. But it literally over takes my mind and I start panicking. Even if I check one hundred times that I turned off the stove, if I am driving to a place that is further than 10 miles from our home. I start questioning myself. When I had a Scentsy in my classroom my first year, I use to start panicking around midnight that I left my Scentsy on. I would make Trent come with me, to my school and in my classroom, at midnight to check. I was just so nervous I was going to burn down the building. I wish I could say that only happened once. Poor Trent.
Another thing I have major anxiety over is Porter getting sick, specifically the flu. Having him puking at such a young age - I just can't handle it. So of course, when Trent has to leave out of town for an interview, Porter would get the flu.
What is worse is I am the reason he got so sick. The most wonderful person in the world watches Porter for about two hours a day while Trent is in school. She text me the night before, but I got it the following morning that her little boy was throwing up. She said she could still watch Porter if needed, but she just wanted to let me know. I tried texting as many people as I could, but it was so early no one was awake! I had work - and couldn't find a sub and make sub plans in less than an hour - and Trent had a test in class. So off he went.
Wednesday night, Porter wouldn't really eat dinner but he was busy playing so I thought nothing of it. I put him down for bed at 7:30 p.m., and started on my sub plans for the next day. I had decided to take Thursday off so Porter and I could spend some quality time together while Trent was in AZ. At around 9:00 p.m., Porter started crying. I am not one who can let my child cry it out. I always, always, always go in. So I went into his room thinking he dropped or couldn't find his pacifier. When I went to grab feel around for his paci, the entire crib was wet and I could feel pieces of food. I immediately knew. I turned on the light and my fear was confirmed. I know I should have stayed calm, but Porter was crying and I felt so bad because I knew this was all my fault. So I just lost it. We both were just bawling as I am trying to start a bath, and take off his clothes and diaper. Luckily, Trent didn't leave until Thursday morning. So I called him during his playoff game in baseball and told him what had happened. He said he would be right there and jetted home to help me. Poor Trent walked into an emotional and physical disaster. I was bawling, throw-up was everywhere, and Porter just looked so pale and confused.
That night I slept in the rocking chair in Porter's room while Trent slept in our room. Trent COULD NOT GET SICK. So I sent him away most of the time. Porter was up every. single. hour. that night to throw up. After awhile, he had nothing left in his stomach and was just dry heaving. A lot of tears. A lot of I can't do this. A lot of hugging and kisses and rocking. Porter would try to push the bowl away from him that I wanted him to throw up in. He also was trying to swallow his throw up (Sorry for the TMI), and I kept patting his back trying to get him to spit it out. You guys, it was a world class mess. He didn't want to be in his crib, so he slept on the floor most of the night and I was either beside him or in the chair.
Also. I hate how hard it is for a teacher to take a day off. Luckily, I had a sub in place. But no exaggeration, it takes around three hours for me to create, print, prepare, and do all sub plans for the sub. THREE HOURS! So I woke up at 6 the next morning and jetted to my school to prepare for the sub. I was in a clothes covered in throw up, my hair looked like Medusa, and I was overly exhausted and emotional. It took me two hours (so as I was leaving my students were coming in and saw their teacher look like the walking dead). I kept apologizing to my sub. When a teacher stopped me, I just started bawling. I was a wreck to say the least.
Trent got to the airport thanks to the amazing Dallas Thompson and Porter and I just laid the entire day. he possibly ate two popsicles the entire day. I didn't eat either. I didn't want to make him sick by the smell of food and I was too stressed to eat. I was texting the sub last minute things, I had Porter with a 103 fever and a crazy rash, and I could not find the diaper cream and we were out of Tylenol for kids. I couldn't go to the store - I couldn't leave Porter by himself and I couldn't take him with me! It was awful you guys. I ended up grabbing our office managers to watch Porter for two minutes while I went door to door to a few people I knew at the apartment complex asking for diaper rash cream and Tylenol. Thursday night I had to create sub plans for Friday. I put him to bed and was up until 1 a.m. making sub plans. Then Porter woke up at 1 a.m., so I stayed up with him for another two hours with him. The emotions and exhaustion I felt those three days are unimaginable. Porter was fine by Saturday. But then I got his flu on Sunday. By the time Monday came, I had lost seven pounds from the stress and lack of nutrition. Which made me cry even more because I was worried about hurting my baby.
I feel like a stronger mother after that experience. I rely on Trent so much. But he was not available for phone calls during a lot of those three days. Instead, I really had to rely on the grace of the Lord and my own courage and instinct.
I am just really, really grateful that it is over!
