I hope one day, I will look back on this blog post with new knowledge and better understanding. Because this has seriously been on my mind lately. And not in the judgmental way that it might come out, but in a personal reflections kind of way.
I vividly remember sitting in my room right next to my closet door. I was probably 17 or 18. I was reading a book and between pages, I was thinking about how I wanted my future to be. I seriously had an awesome life picked out for myself. I had so much that I wanted to accomplish. I remember the thought coming to me, "I don't think I am going to be a mom. And if I do, I definitely won't be a stay at home mom." To me, I had better plans.
Now, I have had struggles with those thoughts off and on for yyeeaarrss. I think everyone, and I mean it when I say e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. expected me to just fall into the role of a mother so naturally. But if I am honestly going to document my life for myself and my family, I must include that the first three months of motherhood were awful for me. Awful.
I remember Porter's blessing night so vividly. But the part I will never forget is when I talked with Bishop Christensen. All I have to do is look at the man and I fall apart and into tears. I remember him saying sweet comments in between my quiet tears like, "It's hard becoming a parent, huh?" That barely touched the surface of how I felt about becoming a mother. However, that night during Porter's blessing was the first time I felt somewhat at peace. He was six weeks old when we performed that blessing. It would take another six weeks for me to actually start enjoying motherhood.
Very few people know how hard that time was for me. As I started to come out of it, I opened up a little bit to a friend and my mother. But the only person who truly knew the depth of my emotions was Trent. He was with me for some pretty dark moments. I hated church. I hated work. I hated home. I hated everything. But with those dark moments came some really sweet spiritual experiences together that I hold close to my heart.
But that's not the point of this entry. I just don't want assumptions made that my feelings on this next part is due to the fact that I think motherhood is a cake walk.
This next part is what has been on my mind for a few weeks now.
When did motherhood stop being enough?
Does anyone else feel this pressure to have like some awesome fancy skill/small business on the side? I see all these confident, awesome women who I ADORE. Each one of them has this creative cute skill, successful business, or whatever. A lot of these women have kids at home that they have to leave for hours or days at a time.
I am a working mom. I currently am an elementary school teacher, piano teacher, and assistant mangers at our apartment complex. I start my days at 5:00 a.m. and they don't stop until 10:30p.m. And that's the time I return home from my classroom at night. Someone else watches my child {other than Trent and I} for about 15 hours a week this semester and next semester it will be closer to 20. I have cried hundreds and thousands of tears over that thought. The guilt, pain, and pressure I put on myself is awful. I would give anything. ANYTHING. to stay at home with my little boy. So trust me that regardless if you have to be a working mom or you just chose to be a working mom, no judgment made here. Regardless of your circumstance, any working mom just needs a lot of dinner, free babysitting, and TLC. We are all just doing to the best we can and I truly believe that.
BUT.
I seriously know one. ONE. person who is just a stay at home mom. Nothing more. There is no business on the side. Nothing taking up her time. Her hobby is service and her children. To her motherhood is enough.
But in the same breath. Don't we need hobbies?! I recently started calligraphy, designing cards on Photoshop, and editing photos I take of my family. I am loving it. LOVING it. But then I found myself immediately scheming on how I could use these talents to make myself money. I found myself spending hours on the computer obsessing over every little detail. All while my baby sat in his bouncer playing with himself. Sometimes he would grunt or whine for attention. Then, I would look up, talk to him for a few seconds and was back to my thing.
Where is the line? Some of my role models are working moms who have made a difference in this world with their success. And there is a part of me that has always wanted that. I want my masters. I want to start up a business. Where does motherhood fit in with all of that?
I guess I am just trying to figure out where is my line?
I prayed every day for months for that little boy. I prayed for a child that I could take care of, that I could teach, and that I could mother. I just cannot justify praying so hard for that child only to pass him off to somebody else to raise.
Then again, its about quality not quantity right. When I am home for those short five hours that Porter is awake, I am playing, singing, reading, rocking, and whatever else makes him happy. I am really with him. So I am sure that those five hours are more influential that 10 hours of being with him but not interacting with him.
Motherhood is not easy. However, motherhood has taught me more about charity, love, sacrifice, and selflessness than any other experience could. I don't know what I will end up doing. Motherhood did not come as natural to me as I thought it would. But when I had Porter, it wasn't about me anymore.
In the end, if we are doing Heavenly Father's will, nothing else matters. I just hope I can listen and then follow whatever plan that may be. Even if it's not the one I had for myself.
