Motherhood

I hope one day, I will look back on this blog post with new knowledge and better understanding.  Because this has seriously been on my mind lately.  And not in the judgmental way that it might come out, but in a personal reflections kind of way.   I vividly remember sitting in my room right next to my closet door. I was probably 17 or 18.  I was reading a book and between pages, I was thinking about how I wanted my future to be.  I seriously had an awesome life picked out for myself.  I had so much that I wanted to accomplish.  I remember the thought coming to me, "I don't think I am going to be a mom. And if I do, I definitely won't be a stay at home mom." To me, I had better plans.    Now, I have had struggles with those thoughts off and on for yyeeaarrss. I think everyone, and I mean it when I say e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. expected me to just fall into the role of a mother so naturally.  But if I am honestly going to document my life for myself and my family, I must include that the first three months of motherhood were awful for me. Awful.    I remember Porter's blessing night so vividly.  But the part I will never forget is when I talked with Bishop Christensen.  All I have to do is look at the man and I fall apart and into tears.  I remember him saying sweet comments in between my quiet tears like, "It's hard becoming a parent, huh?" That barely touched the surface of how I felt about becoming a mother. However, that night during Porter's blessing was the first time I felt somewhat at peace.  He was six weeks old when we performed that blessing. It would take another six weeks for me to actually start enjoying motherhood.    Very few people know how hard that time was for me.  As I started to come out of it, I opened up a little bit to a friend and my mother. But the only person who truly knew the depth of my emotions was Trent.  He was with me for some pretty dark moments. I hated church. I hated work. I hated home. I hated everything.  But with those dark moments came some really sweet spiritual experiences together that I hold close to my heart.   But that's not the point of this entry. I just don't want assumptions made that my feelings on this next part is due to the fact that I think motherhood is a cake walk.    This next part is what has been on my mind for a few weeks now.    When did motherhood stop being enough?   Does anyone else feel this pressure to have like some awesome fancy skill/small business on the side? I see all these confident, awesome women who I ADORE.  Each one of them has this creative cute skill, successful business, or whatever. A lot of these women have kids at home that they have to leave for hours or days at a time.    I am a working mom.  I currently am an elementary school teacher, piano teacher, and assistant mangers at our apartment complex. I start my days at 5:00 a.m. and they don't stop until 10:30p.m. And that's the time I return home from my classroom at night.  Someone else watches my child {other than Trent and I} for about 15 hours a week this semester and next semester it will be closer to 20.  I have cried hundreds and thousands of tears over that thought.  The guilt, pain, and pressure I put on myself is awful. I would give anything. ANYTHING. to stay at home with my little boy.  So trust me that regardless if you have to be a working mom or you just chose to be a working mom, no judgment made here. Regardless of your circumstance, any working mom just needs a lot of dinner, free babysitting, and TLC. We are all just doing to the best we can and I truly believe that.   BUT.   I seriously know one. ONE. person who is just a stay at home mom. Nothing more. There is no business on the side. Nothing taking up her time. Her hobby is service and her children. To her motherhood is enough.   But in the same breath. Don't we need hobbies?!  I recently started calligraphy, designing cards on Photoshop, and editing photos I take of my family. I am loving it. LOVING it. But then I found myself immediately scheming on how I could use these talents to make myself money.  I found myself spending hours on the computer obsessing over every little detail. All while my baby sat in his bouncer playing with himself.  Sometimes he would grunt or whine for attention. Then, I would look up, talk to him for a few seconds and was back to my thing.   Where is the line?  Some of my role models are working moms who have made a difference in this world with their success. And there is a part of me that has always wanted that. I want my masters. I want to start up a business. Where does motherhood fit in with all of that?   I guess I am just trying to figure out where is my line?      I prayed every day for months for that little boy. I prayed for a child that I could take care of, that I could teach, and that I could mother.  I just cannot justify praying so hard for that child only to pass him off to somebody else to raise.   Then again, its about quality not quantity right.  When I am home for those short five hours that Porter is awake, I am playing, singing, reading, rocking, and whatever else makes him happy. I am really with him. So I am sure that those five hours are more influential that 10 hours of being with him but not interacting with him.     Motherhood is not easy.  However, motherhood has taught me more about charity, love, sacrifice, and selflessness than any other experience could. I don't know what I will end up doing. Motherhood did not come as natural to me as I thought it would.  But when I had Porter, it wasn't about me anymore.   In the end, if we are doing Heavenly Father's will, nothing else matters.  I just hope I can listen and then follow whatever plan that may be.  Even if it's not the one I had for myself.    

Remember This.

I am totally guilty of this.  But I always read blogs and before they post something sweet about their husband they apologize for the "mushy gushy" stuff.  I want to stop that trend. Today.   Awhile ago, Trent and I had a "disagreement." {That is code for we had a really big fight.  But we never call them fights, we call them disagreements}.  I went into the other room angry and decided to read some of my favorite blogs.  I ended up on my own blog planning to write something.  Yet somehow I got distracted by previous posts and instead I took a trip down memory lane.  I ended up rereading our dating story. You know, the one I dragged into three parts! As I started reading our story, all anger dissipated.  I remembered that I had a good man by my side. I immediately went back to him and apologized.  Sometimes we need a little help remembering the good stuff.   Before our trip to Disneyland, Trent kept telling me he was going to buy me Nike cross trainers. I told him not to because we needed to use the money we saved that month for Disneyland.  Then came Trent's birthday, and it was lame.  I felt so bad.  We just went to dinner and he received no gifts.  Wife Fail #2,512.  I told him to use the money he got from his parents for his birthday to buy some boots that he desperately needed.  He said, "Yeah, maybe later."  Flash forward about a week later when Trent surprises me {truly I had no idea this was coming} with the absolute cutest Nike cross trainers.  Seriously. I immediately scolded him.  I told him we were using our savings that month for Disneyland.  "I didn't use our savings from this month?" he replied. "Well money doesn't just grow on trees.  How did you pay for it?" I countered. "I used my birthday money."   I am grateful for marriage.  I am even more grateful that both of us are fully invested in making this a marriage that will last through the eternities.   

Disneyland

Growing up, my family was the. best. ever. The end. Perfect.  I thought everybody should be like my family.  Then, I married into the Thompson family.  And I am seriously in love with these people. I've learned that a family can work in many ways.  There is no one perfect way to raise a family.  As long as you have Christ at the cornerstone, it will all work out.

Here are some things I've learned from being a Thompson:

1. Learn to laugh at yourself. Trent and his family play a game of "charades," where they act like someone else in the family. It. is. HILARIOUS.  You know we all have certain mannerisms or ridiculous things we have said.  The crazy part? Nobody gets offended.  We just laugh!  I was a very serious girl growing up.  My parents tried desperately to get me to "lighten up," and marrying into this family has helped me learn even more not to take myself too serious.  

2. Brothers gotta hug.  It's a quote from Tommy Boy and it always makes me think of this family.  This entire extended family is FULL of love. I don't care what you have said, done, or even thought about doing.  They are going to love you to the fullest anyway. It's inspirational.

3. We are family. That word means something new to me this weekend.  I witnessed something this weekend that was so simple, but touched me so dearly.  It was Saturday evening and all of us were gathered to watch the firework show.  Two of the teenage boys were sitting down and their uncle {who was the father to neither of these boys} turned to them and said, "Let's get you boys something to eat." Those were not his sons, but he paid for their meal anyway.  This is just one moment I remember, but it happened all weekend.  They take care of each other as if each of those cousins are their own children.  I really really want to be like that.  Honestly, I would have just let the boys wait until their parents came to go get them food.  But this weekend, I witnessed the most tender and kind moments that reminded me what the word family truly means.  

Finally, I have to give a huge shout out to Mom, Dad, Cade, and Nolan.  I was so worried that during the trip we would slow everyone down. And guess what, we totally did.  But those four stayed with us the ENTIRE TIME. Cade and Nolan could have easily ran off to do the awesome roller coasters.  But instead, they went on "It's a Small World" and similar rides with their nephew.  Studs.  Seriously. I have so many pictures of them holding my diaper bag or pushing Porter's stroller. I love them both so much! And Grandma Rita and Grandpa Kent were angelic.  They held Porter so Trent and I could go on rides or rest.  My heart is so full. I am the luckiest girl!  

This whole trip was made possible by the sweetest act of service.  It is so humbling when you receive such a special gift.  Trent and I will forever be grateful that we were apart of these special moments. Thompsons Rule!

 

Thanksgiving

Liam

We can't have a blog and not mention Porter's best friend, Liam! There are two babies that Porter sees on a regular basis, Gordon and Liam.  I know that they really don't understand that the other one is there, but I like to think so.  And I also like to think that when Chad, Kayla, and Liam move {which is happening sooner than I like to think about}, Porter will miss Liam.  Or at least I like to think so.  So here is to this curly, blonde haired angel!  We love you, Liam!

Here are some more picture that I have, but they are not edited...

  Priceless.

Family Pictures

Let's be honest... This is how family pictures usually go....  

  Little guy needs to learn how to take one for the team! But I really can't blame him too much.  I mean, its 40 degrees outside.  We are all freezing and I woke him up from nap time to take family pictures.  Yup, I paid for that one the rest of the day. In the end, we had a world class photographer who was extremely patient {thank you Kayla Merrell} and she took some great shots!  

 

 

 

Halloween 2014

Seriously.  This babe is so lucky to have Nana Duke and Grandma Thompson. Without them, he would not have had such a wonderful first Halloween! I wish they were here to share it with us!