What A Nightmare

I get anxiety over the silliest of things.  But it literally over takes my mind and I start panicking.  Even if I check one hundred times that I turned off the stove, if I am driving to a place that is further than 10 miles from our home.  I start questioning myself.  When I had a Scentsy in my classroom my first year, I use to start panicking around midnight that I left my Scentsy on.  I would make Trent come with me, to my school and in my classroom, at midnight to check.  I was just so nervous I was going to burn down the building.  I wish I could say that only happened once.  Poor Trent.
Another thing I have major anxiety over is Porter getting sick, specifically the flu.  Having him puking at such a young age - I just can't handle it. So of course, when Trent has to leave out of town for an interview, Porter would get the flu.  
What is worse is I am the reason he got so sick.  The most wonderful person in the world watches Porter for about two hours a day while Trent is in school.  She text me the night before, but I got it the following morning that her little boy was throwing up.  She said she could still watch Porter if needed, but she just wanted to let me know. I tried texting as many people as I could, but it was so early no one was awake!  I had work - and couldn't find a sub and make sub plans in less than an hour - and Trent had a test in class.  So off he went.
Wednesday night, Porter wouldn't really eat dinner but he was busy playing so I thought nothing of it. I put him down for bed at 7:30 p.m., and started on my sub plans for the next day.  I had decided to take Thursday off so Porter and I could spend some quality time together while Trent was in AZ.  At around 9:00 p.m., Porter started crying.  I am not one who can let my child cry it out. I always, always, always go in. So I went into his room thinking he dropped or couldn't find his pacifier.  When I went to grab feel around for his paci, the entire crib was wet and I could feel pieces of food. I immediately knew.  I turned on the light and my fear was confirmed. I know I should have stayed calm, but Porter was crying and I felt so bad because I knew this was all my fault.  So I just lost it.  We both were just bawling as I am trying to start a bath, and take off his clothes and diaper.  Luckily, Trent didn't leave until Thursday morning.  So I called him during his playoff game in baseball and told him what had happened.  He said he would be right there and jetted home to help me. Poor Trent walked into an emotional and physical disaster.  I was bawling, throw-up was everywhere, and Porter just looked so pale and confused.
That night I slept in the rocking chair in Porter's room while Trent slept in our room.  Trent COULD NOT GET SICK. So I sent him away most of the time.  Porter was up every. single. hour. that night to throw up.  After awhile, he had nothing left in his stomach and was just dry heaving.  A lot of tears. A lot of I can't do this. A lot of hugging and kisses and rocking.  Porter would try to push the bowl away from him that I wanted him to throw up in.  He also was trying to swallow his throw up (Sorry for the TMI), and I kept patting his back trying to get him to spit it out.  You guys, it was a world class mess.  He didn't want to be in his crib, so he slept on the floor most of the night and I was either beside him or in the chair. 
Also. I hate how hard it is for a teacher to take a day off. Luckily, I had a sub in place.  But no exaggeration, it takes around three hours for me to create, print, prepare, and do all sub plans for the sub. THREE HOURS! So I woke up at 6 the next morning and jetted to my school to prepare for the sub.  I was in a clothes covered in throw up, my hair looked like Medusa, and I was overly exhausted and emotional.  It took me two hours (so as I was leaving my students were coming in and saw their teacher look like the walking dead).  I kept apologizing to my sub.  When a teacher stopped me, I just started bawling.  I was a wreck to say the least.
Trent got to the airport thanks to the amazing Dallas Thompson and Porter and I just laid the entire day. he possibly ate two popsicles the entire day.  I didn't eat either. I didn't want to make him sick by the smell of food and I was too stressed to eat.  I was texting the sub last minute things, I had Porter with a 103 fever and a crazy rash, and I could not find the diaper cream and we were out of Tylenol for kids.  I couldn't go to the store - I couldn't leave Porter by himself and I couldn't take him with me! It was awful you guys.  I ended up grabbing our office managers to watch Porter for two minutes while I went door to door to a few people I knew at the apartment complex asking for diaper rash cream and Tylenol.  Thursday night I had to create sub plans for Friday.  I put him to bed and was up until 1 a.m. making sub plans.  Then Porter woke up at 1 a.m., so I stayed up with him for another two hours with him. The emotions and exhaustion I felt those three days are unimaginable.  Porter was fine by Saturday.  But then I got his flu on Sunday.  By the time Monday came, I had lost seven pounds from the stress and lack of nutrition. Which made me cry even more because I was worried about hurting my baby.
I feel like a stronger mother after that experience.  I rely on Trent so much.  But he was not available for phone calls during a lot of those three days. Instead, I really had to rely on the grace of the Lord and my own courage and instinct. 
I am just really, really grateful that it is over!