I received a message from a sweet mother that use to be in my ward. They moved to further their education, and in the process she had to go back to work because he had to do full-time school. Not an unusual circumstance. But honestly, she isn't the first person to come and ask these same questions. "How do you do it?" is probably the most common.
Here is what she wrote me:
Hey, Chelsea! I've been thinking about you lately and just wanted to see how you manage to do so much. For the past couple of months I've been working full-time and it's been really difficult for me to find balance. Even though I am SO BLESSED to work from home, I still spend hours at the computer all day, and [my child] ends up watching WAAY more TV than I would normally allow him to. He's gotten very good at playing on his own, and I'm so glad he's taken care of, but I don't want to miss out on playing with him. I feel like the whole social media mom trend right now is putting down your phone and playing with your child, and how nothing should come before spending time with a child because they grow up too fast. Well...sometimes we just don't have that luxury. You told me awhile ago that you had come to terms with this - I'd really appreciate your insight because for me it's been really hard to know that I'm not making the most of every moment with him.
I seriously love, love, LOVE this woman so when she wrote me this, my heart broke. She is one of those types who knows her calling is motherhood. She has the vision and feels the importance of the calling God has given her. To all my sweet comrades in the trenches of being titled the "working mom," here are some things I have learned these past two years.
1. Priorities. This one has bee the hardest for me to figure out. Last year, I still spent waaaaay too much time working extra hours. To say it simply, I wanted to be the best. I was getting praise in all directions, I was made the fourth grade team lead (my SECOND year - very uncommon). I was teacher of the month for the district.14 parent out of my 21 students personally requested me as their child's teacher. My principal thought I literally walked on water, and I was just killing it. I was getting too caught up in the glory. Now granted, I tried not to let those extra hours cut in with my "Porter time." I would usually head back to the school from 7:30-10:30 p.m. and put in my extra hours at night. But I was easily annoyed, tired, and my relationship with my husband was slightly strained because I wasn't spending time with him. Before this year began, Trent sat me aside, and said he needed me more. It was a hard conversation between the two of us. I didn't want to let that praise and glory fade. But some things had to change. This year, I work from 7:30 - 3:30 p.m., and that's it. Twice a trimester, I might have to go in on a Saturday to work on a few things, but it's a drastic change from previous years. Part of that has to do with being a third year teacher, I have so many resources and activities that I have previously created it makes my prep easier. I also find myself using my time more wisely and being more effective in time management. Of course, I will still do anything I can to help my students succeed. But once I made the choice to put my family first, solutions to problems have come quicker to my mind. And things that might have taken me longer to accomplish are no longer difficult. And my parents this year...AMAZING! All wonderful things that are blessings from on High for sure.
2. Let it go. Listen. Sanity is priceless. A happy home is priceless. So there will be some things that might not happen. For example, cooking and keeping a spotless house are out the window here. We eat out waaaay too much. We are working on it. Our budget has helped a ton, but I am exhausted after work and Trent starts his day at 3:30 p.m. when I get home and comes back around 9 p.m. Because he is up at the school studying so late, Trent just eats out. I don't want to cook and dirty up the house even more and I am exhausted. So I either don't eat and just make Porter a quick dinner, or we eat out. Also, I am going to admit something only three people know. We totally have a cleaning lady. I am not proud of it. But there were too many heated arguments about cleaning and having the house clean {mainly the complaining was from my end}. Last year, we had someone come twice a week to clean. This year, we have her come every other week. We are trying to do more on our own. Our house isn't spotless like I want. I really do love a clean, perfect house all the time. I'm totally serious. There are very few things that make me happier than a spotless house. It's slightly obsessive. But you know what - It's just not happening right now and good grief is it really something to fight about? No. It's not. It is still livable, it's just not perfect. I have learned that when you are both basically working full time, you need to let some things go. It's more important that I spend some time with Porter { like the four hours I have with him during the day}, than spend that time cleaning. Instead, we are doing play dates, outside, or asking Pinterest what activities you can do with a one year old.
3. Don't take everything so personal. When I chose to go back to work, I had friends who had similar situations, who decided not to go back to work and be a stay at home Mom. Totally great for them, really. I remember talking to one of my friends about it. She had worked in education for one year and then had her baby. She decided not to go back to work. Which I was totally happy for her! We were talking about our situation and if I would be returning to work. I told her I was. She then said. "Yeah, I thought about going back too. But then one day I was working with a student when it hit me. Here I am teaching someone else's child, when the most important thing I should be doing is teaching my own. I knew then that after I had my baby I would let nothing stop me from doing that important thing." Listen. I could have gotten upset about that comment. And for a brief second, I let rage flicker through me. But why? Because how dare she share with me her personal experience? Because how dare she decide to stay home with her child? Because I decided to let myself feel inferior from that conversation? Guess what. Most people in this world don't wake up and say, "How can I be a jerk today?" People will say things, but you can't take everything personally. You have to do what's best for your family. I know working is what we needed to do. I am not working to keep up with our lavish lifestyle. I mean, we live in a 600 square foot apartment. There is nothing lavish about us. We work to survive. I work because one day Trent is going to graduate and I will be at home. That's the goal. That is what we are working for, And if I have to work for three years so that Trent can provide for us the rest of our little life, then I will make that sacrifice. Because in the long run, it's not a sacrifice at all. It's an investment. So when people say things that rub me the wrong way, I remember that 1. they most likely did not mean to offend me and 2. I remind myself the goal and why I am dong this. {I also read my patriarchal blessing that brings some insight on this also}
4. Accept God's Grace: This is what I mainly talked about with my dear friend. So I will just copy what I wrote to her.
It's okay to admit that this isn't what you pictured, or imagined your "mommy life" to be. You're right about the mom trend. I feel it too. I want to talk about grace. Recently, I read the Amazed by Grace book by Sheri Dew. There is something in there that really helped me. Bruce C. Hafen wrote that "the Savior's gift of grace to us is not necessarily limited in time to "after" all we can do. We may receive His grace before, during, and after the time when we expend our own efforts." You are doing the best you can. You deserve His grace. Your sweet babe will be okay. Even though you may not be able to play with him all of the time every day, he will still feel you love him. The Lord will make up for the difference. And also remember, "Disciples, imperfect though they still are, can ask for more energy, more revelation, more patience, more self-discipline, more hope, more love, more healing, more happiness. They can ask for miracles, for freedom from pain, and for the desire to forgive. They can ask for more faith and for help becoming better disciples. We can ask for angels to walk with us {and our children}, because if we live up to our privileges, angels can't be restrained from being our associates." That was also in the book by Sheri Dew. Whatever you feel you need more of to help you and your family during this adjustment. Ask. You have the right as a disciple of Christ to ask. For me, I asked the Lord to help me prioritize better and simplify more. I had to let go of some things that I felt were important, but maybe not as everlasting. It was hard. It still is, especially when I get comments from co-workers or see those "mom trends" on the internet. But my relationship with Porter and Trent are better than ever. I don't know what exactly you might need. Maybe you need some extra angels around your little family to watch over your little ones. Whatever it is, the Lord wants to give it to you. I think he is just waiting for you to ask. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. In fact, it is a wonderful quality. But don't let it get you down. That is never the purpose of improving. The Lord doesn't put us down to improve us. Self-improvement isn't meant to bring us guilt. So don't get caught up in that trap - like I do. Every time.
Trent said to me the other day, "I don't care what those stupid Pinterest quotes or the mommy blogs say. Motherhood isn't about surviving. It is meant to be enjoyed." Trent is with Porter more than I am. And honestly, he loves being with that little guy. When I complain about how difficult Porter is Trent responds with, "How can being with him not be the best part of your day?" That hit me pretty hard. Trent really sees Porter as the greatest thing on Earth. For so long, Motherhood felt like a "chore" almost. I am not saying it's easy. I am not kidding when I say we have a C.R.A.Z.Y child on our hands. The stories I could share, that I should share. It's a miracle we are going for round two. What I am trying to say is, all of those things above have helped me enjoy my life a little more.
Heavenly Father didn't put us on Earth to survive, he put us on Earth to thrive. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
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