What I Learned from Not Being Able to Go to the Temple

My brother, Brett, and his wife Tiah were married in March.  The whole trip was wonderful but quick and stressful.  It was the morning of their sealing and we were all running around trying to get ready.  It was about 45 minutes until the start of the sealing and Trent came in and said,  "Chelsea, do you have your temple recommend with you?"  My heart literally sunk. I had left it in my temple bag (where I keep it - awful idea) in Rexburg, Idaho.  I immediately started panicking.  Trent and I started calling our Bishop, but it was 8 a.m. and he wasn't answering.  I called my angelic friend who works with his wife and got her cell phone number.  I called the Bishop's wife and turns out they were in Boise on some trip (thank you Camille for having her cell number!).  When she passed the phone to our dear bishop, I started to cry.  We were ten minutes away from the temple and 25 minutes away from the ceremony beginning.  But I held it together and explained to him the situation. My merciful, sweet bishop told me to just have the temple workers call him and he would let them know I was worthy.  A true life saver.   Fast forward to when we go inside the temple.  I was SO embarrassed to have to explain the situation to a temple worker behind the desk.  She motioned me into line and told me to explain the situation to the man who scans the temple recommends.  So for the 3rd time, I had to explain my embarrassing self-inflicted situation.  I will never forget when he asked me to step to the side of the line while he called another temple worker to take care of my situation.  I literally lost it.  To be denied access to the temple broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  I felt so... unworthy.  I just sat there at the entrance way in a chair and cried. And cried.  And cried some more.  I was inconsolable.  I was so embarrassed.  So heart broken. So ashamed.   A temple worker came to my side to ask me for my information.  But I couldn't speak I was crying too hard (let's blame it on the pregnancy hormones).  He turned to my sweet husband, who had never left my side, and asked for the information.    Worker:  What is your wife's name? Trent: Chelsea. That's C-h-e-l-s-e-y. Me (between gasps of breath): It's with an "a."   I began to cry harder because apparently my husband doesn't know how to spell my name after 2 years of marriage.  Trent then gave him the rest of the information and he left.  I began thinking of everything I had done in our ward.   Did I attend church frequently enough?  Did I go to the activities? Did I serve enough? Would bishop know if I had done these things or not?  Would he be able to give me an adequate recommend?  Seriously, my fate rested in the hands of that man.  If I could enter and witness this beautiful sealing would be completely based off of what this man had to say about me. Symbolic? Yes.  I have never been so scared.  I knew I could have done better. It felt like an eternity that he was gone.  I was left to drown in my thoughts and obvious shortcomings flowing through my mind.  All this time, I saw smiling family and friends presenting their recommends excited for the event. While I sat there, not allowed to enter.    But he did eventually come back.  And I was allowed to go inside the temple and witness a beautiful ceremony surrounded by the people who meant the most to me.   This event made me think of so many things.  The despair I felt when my family and friends could enter was overwhelming.  I would have done ANYTHING to enter that temple.  ANYTHING.  And I know that I will feel the same way after death.   Also, I felt that in a way that bishop represented the Savior.  Honestly, my church attending track is pretty weak.  I have felt so sick.  And throwing up in church bathrooms is embarrassing.  Especially when it happens as frequently as mine did.  So I took the easy route and skipped it. But the bishop knew my situation and he knew my heart.  He gave me so much mercy that day.  More than I deserve. During those moments, I wished so badly I would have just gone to church and not skipped. I could have done it.  I was just being lazy.   Last of all, I learned what was most important to Trent.  Being with me.  This entire experience he NEVER left my side.  It actually surprised me.  I thought he would simply say, "Okay honey I will wait for you in there.  Don't worry, I know you will get in."  Or something like that.  But he was next to me the entire time.  That day I knew heaven would not be heaven without Trent.  And I knew he felt the exact same way by his actions.    I hope I never fail to the symbolism in that experience.