Life as Of Lately

This is kinda a heavy post.  So bear with me.  I have had so much on my mind these past two weeks. And its has no meaning - just a bunch of stories and thoughts put down and probably best not shared, but like three people read this blog.    So much stress. My body gave up on me this last week.  I am pretty sure it was trying to tell me that if I didn't stop, I was going to hurt my child.  So it made me stop.  I have had the. worst. cold. of my life.  And its been like this for 5 days straight.  I thought for sure I had pneumonia. Maybe I do. I haven't actually seen a doctor yet. {I hate my stubbornness}   I have been working 60+ hours week for three weeks straight.  4th Grade Teacher, Assistant Managing, Piano and Voice Teacher, Wife, Homemaker, Friend, Sister, Daughter... GAH! Too much.  I know I push myself to the limit.  But everyday I ask myself, "How can I prioritize better?  What can I lessen in my life?" I think this question needs to be taken to the Lord, because I haven't found a solution and I need one. Fast.   Pregnancy was like a wonderful virus that was being passed around my school.  Now, we go from K-4th and there are only 14 teachers at the entire school.  Its lovely.  We are all so close.  Our special education teacher and speech pathologist just had their babies, 4 teachers were pregnant, and 1 teacher was chosen by a birth mom to adopt! It was an exiting time people.   Well, last week, a dear friend and perfect example {seriously, I want to be just like her} had a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  I got the call early in the morning and was trying to help her find a sub.  I thought for sure she was going to be okay.  I mean she had gone in around 6 weeks for the same thing and the baby had a great heartbeat and was there! After school I found out. I cried for her.  Did I understand exactly what she was going through? Of course not.  I never will know exactly how she felt  during the whole process. But that doesn't mean I don't feel or care about her situation.   That same night, I got a call from another friend stating that our friend, who is also a teacher, that was suppose to adopt in a little over a month received the news the mom had changed her mind.  Now, understand that just two weeks ago she had traveled hours to go see the ultrasound, meet her future son, pick out a name, and everything.  She has been infertile for five years now I believe.  She had wanted to do IVF (which is IMPOSSIBLE on a teacher salary), but the day before she was suppose to go down for the treatment, they raised the amount by $2000.  They couldn't afford it, so they had to cancel their trip. Heartbreaking.  The next day she got the call from the birth mom.  The birth mom said she had chosen them to adopt their baby. They thought for sure this was the answer to her prayers and why IVF didn't work out.  Only to find out they weren't going to receive that bundle of joy...  My heart literally broke into a thousand pieces.    These two stories have weighed heavily on my heart lately.  I have learned sometimes the best words are to say is, "I'm so sorry."   Last sad story, I promise.  A few weeks go, a little boy in my classroom was crying uncontrollably.  He was seriously crying the whole morning.    Prepare for a Mean Teacher/Biggest Learning Experience Moment:    Now, I don't really allow crying in my classroom because it's like the cold.  It spreads quickly and escalates quickly.  So I didn't listen to the spirit and tried to move on with class and let him console himself.  Finally, after my patience was completely gone I called him over privately and asked in a not-so-loving way, "Why are you crying??" He began to tell me that he found out his Grandpa had cancer and had six months to live.  He was thinking about this when he looked up at the walls in my classroom and read my poster that said, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." He said that the poster reminded him about his Grandpa and what his family is going through.  That they are going through a hard battle.  He talked to me about kindness and what it meant to him now. 4th Grader. Wow.   Sometimes I just want to flaunt my successes.  I thought for sure once I got pregnant I would blog, Facebook, and Instagram more.  I thought I would track the bump and do all those cute things that people would want to pin.  I always think I am going to post tons of pictures of when we go to Disneyland or take this trip.  Let people know about our awesome lives as if I have something to prove.  Then my sweet husband reminds me we don't do vacations to be cool, but we do them for our marriage and sanity.  He reminds me we don't get pregnant as a status, but because it's time to start our family and make that progression together. There is a sweet line between sharing successes and flaunting them.  Luckily, the majority of my friends are perfect at just sharing them.  But gosh darn it, its just one of my weaknesses.  Feeling like I need to gush out my successes because I feel like I have something to prove.    I guess that's why I stopped posting my blog on Facebook.  When I do, I get around 400 people to read that post.  Which makes me second guess everything I have written. And it also stops me from writing posts like these.  Posts about hard things that make my heart break or make me seem imperfect.   So here it to being behind on grades, a filthy house, a pushed to the limit body, gratitude for what I have, sympathy for trials, kindness because its necessary, and a little boy who I will not take for granted.