Our First Fight... And He Slept Through It All

It’s true.  Mr. Thompson and I fight.  I remember when Mr. Thompson and I had been married for about 3 months and we went over to his parent’s house.  Mr. Thompson was helping his younger brother, Dallas, take down Christmas decorations.  I remember Dallas turning to him as he unloaded a heavy box from the attic asking, “Does Chelsea ever get mad?  Does she get mad and you end up fighting?”  I waited for the answer. I expected Mr. Thompson to chuckle and be like, “Heck yeah!” But that man is full of surprises.  Instead he simply replied, “Nope.”  I looked at him. Shocked. That statement could not have been farther from the truth.

                Here’s the thing.  Everyone says that when you get married, you will be in this “honeymoon stage.”  I agree.  In fact, I am pretty sure Mr. Thompson and I are still in that phase.  I always pictured that couples started fighting after a few years of marriage – like when disciplining kids, money issues, and all that good stuff.  HAH! What a joke!  Mr. Thompson and I had our first major fight the first night back from our honeymoon.  And he slept through most of it.  Truth.  Here’s the story:

                We had just gotten back from our honeymoon and our apartment was trashed with gifts, boxes, clothes, everything.  Plus, we had to go to the store and get some items we didn’t have {bedspread, trashcan, scissors, etc.}.  So bags were everywhere too.  Oh, and don’t let me forget to mention that it was a STUDIO apartment.  It looked like a mess.  So Trent and I started arranging the boxes, putting things away, and organizing the apartment.  Well, it was about 10:30 and Trent suggested we go to bed because we both had work the next morning.  I looked around and our apartment was still a disaster.  How could I go to bed when we could barely walk through the apartment?  I couldn’t.  I remember begging Mr. Thompson to stay up with me.  He refused saying he was exhausted.  So he did the unthinkable.  He went to bed.  Guys – I was mad.  I stayed up till 1 in the morning – bawling – putting the house together.  I remember thinking, “Is this how our marriage is going to be? You sleep while I do all the work?”  {Did I mention I am slightly dramatic?} I tried crying loudly so that he would wake up and realize the errors of his way.  Pointless.  He slept through the entire thing.  Needless to say, we had to talk it out the next morning.  We definitely learned a lot about each other.  Mr. Thompson realized that when I want something done – I will stop at nothing, not even sleep, to accomplish my task.  Once I decide it’s a priority it gets done right away.  Mr. Thompson is more relaxed.  His thought process is, “Let’s work at the task every day until it gets done.  But let’s not kill ourselves over it.” (Obviously my thought process makes more sense;)  And guess what – the next night there was a flood in our apartment.  The water heater above us broke and it dripped through our ceiling and walls and flooded our apartment.  All of that work I had done was for NOTHING.  We had to box everything up and move it to another apartment anyway.  Story of my life.

                Whenever I have a friend who is getting married I sit them down and tell them these exact words:  “During the first few months of your marriage, you and {insert fiancé’s name here} may fight.  A lot.  And guess what? That is so normal.  So, please do not feel like you have an awful marriage.”

                I don’t think it’s necessarily the “fighting” that harms the marriage.  It depends on the type of fighting.  Most of the time, Mr. Thompson and I are usually just having a “heated discussion” because our opinions are different.  But if you are throwing crockpots at your spouse – you may have a problem.  So here are some methods that have helped Mr.  Thompson and I avoid those “crockpot throwing, name-calling, nasty” fights.

1.       Listen.  When someone else is telling you their side of the issue, we are instinctively forming our defense statement.  Do not come up with a defense.  Listen. R estate what they said to make sure that you understand their side.

2.       If it gets too heated – walk away.  There is nothing wrong with saying, “Honey, I need a five minute cool down.”  The point of this is to say this phrase before you become too angry and start shouting.  It is a prevention tool.

3.       Hold them tight.  Sometimes I will cuddle with Mr. Thompson as I tell him my side of the issue.  When you are holding the one you love, your opinion comes off more sensitive than when you are on the other side of the room yelling your opinion over the dishes.

We are not professionals over here folks.  We still have our fair share of arguments – trust me.  But we don’t let one fight determine how we view ourselves as a couple.  We love each other despite our stubborn opinions.  It’s just a learning process – despite how many years you have been married.  It will always be a learning process because we are constantly changing as individuals. Does that make sense?  I know – this is coming from someone who has been married for only two years and has NO room to talk or give advice – but it’s been on my mind and I thought I would share.  What are some tips you may have when it comes to this topic?!

 

The Right Decision Part 3 of 3

For about three weeks I kept my eye on Trent.  I stalked noticed which girls he was around, read his Facebook posts, and listened to what his friends were saying about him.  I remember reading something he posted on FB and thinking, “psh… aren’t I glad I dumped him.”  But really it felt more like, “psh… I’m an idiot.” 

Then there came the fateful FHE night.  Our Young Single Adult Ward came together every Tuesday and did Family Home Evening together.  I was in charge and so of course I was there orchestrating the activities.  But guess who wasn’t there…. Trent.  I remember asking my friend Jessica,

                “Hey, do you know where Trent is?”

                “Yea… I think he went to a Diamondbacks baseball game with some girl.” Jess replied.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was when I turned into the Hulk.  I started raging and shouting.  It was something along the lines of:

“What an idiot? You’re not supposed miss F.H.E.?!”  {Because apparently I am the F.H.E. police and you need to ask me permission to miss the activities.}  

“What girl would possibly go with him to a baseball game?” {Hmmm…. about every woman in our ward.}

               

Well of course, I made Jess text Trent and figure out what girl he was with.  He didn’t reply for literally hours.  That is when I found out that Trent had taken his sister to the baseball game. Yup- that's me - World’s. Biggest. Loser.  

It was that night I knew I had to make things right with Trent.  And by “make things right” I mean "get over my commitmment issues."  So I texted him and asked him if he would like to go on a picnic with me tomorrow.  He consented.  And this is how our conversation went the next day at our picnic. {Warning:  The words below are what actually came out of my mouth.  Feel free to judge.}

“Trent, I have been thinking.  And I know you wanted to date me.  And well… if you still want to date me... then… I guess that would be okay.”  {WHO SAYS THAT?!} That was me apologizing folks. Seriously.

And you know what he said… “Okay!”  That was it?  He didn’t ask me to beg for him back. He didn't make me feel like a loser. He was just that forgiving and sweet.  He just said that he did want to be with me still and he would love if we could be together.   Now most girls would sweetly kiss their man and have a nice picnic.  But instead,  this is what came out of my mouth:

“Well, if you are going to date me, then there are going to have to be some rules.  Rule #1: This is not going to last because I am going to China. End of story. I am going. You can’t stop me so don’t try.    2: No kissing in public.  You may hold my hand but you may not kiss me when other people are around.  3: We will NEVER be Facebook official so I don’t want to see a relationship request.  4: I don’t want to be one of those couples who have to see each other every day.  I need space.  If we date, you have to be okay will all of these things? Okay?!

Some of you are probably dying laughing at my ridiculous requests.  But Trent was just like,

“Okay, if that’s what you want!” 

I was shocked.  “Well, don’t get back to me right away.  Just think about it. You have 24 hours and then let me know.” {Because I think I have a right to put a time limit on his decisions?!}

T: “I already know. I want to date you.”

C: “Trent, take the 24 hours and think about this.  This is a commitment.”

T: “I know, but I already know my answer.”

C: “TRENT JUST TAKE THE 24 HOURS!”

T: “Fine… I will think about it.”

And that is how Trent and I started dating.  But I still had plans to go to China.  At the beginning of our courtship, I paid for most of China and received my placement, departure date, and flight.  I was leaving in the middle of July to Zhangzhou, China and would return three days before Christmas.  I had even met some of the girls going with me to China.  But while I was preparing for China – I was seriously falling for Trent.  And remember those rules? Yeah – nonexistent.  He had broken every barrier I had built.  And every time I thought about leaving, I bawled.   But I didn’t want to be “that girl” that got married right out of high school.  I didn’t want to get married young.  I wanted to be the type of girl who traveled, finished school, started a career, and did everything that people say you “should do” before you get married. 

And of course, everyone has opinions.  I had one individual tell me that I was “doomed for divorce and if I couldn’t leave him for 6 months we would never make it anyway.” I listened to people tell me I was naïve and stupid.  And then there was Trent.  He suggested that I go to China, but with a diamond ring on my left hand.  While I was gone, he said he would plan the wedding and just send him a "to-do list" and he would take care of everything.  All I would have to do was get off the plane, slip into a dress, and he would take me to the temple.  He just wanted me to be happy and not regret anything.  He was seriously a rock throughout this entire thing.  Never once did he mention himself, or how he might feel having me gone for six months.  Just that he would faithfully commit and wait for me.

So what do you do?  What do you do when everyone gives you a different answer and you feel so conflicted, emotionally exhausted, and defeated inside? You pray.  I remember praying for a long time - telling Heavenly Father every detail and feeling.  When I got up, I saw my parent’s computer.  Mindlessly, I went over there and plopped myself down. I wiggled the mouse and there was an article from President Monson.  Here is the part that I read:

"I realize there are many reasons why you may be hesitating to take that step of getting married.   It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions. Perhaps you are afraid of making the wrong choice. To this I say that you need to exercise faith. Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work.

Perhaps you are having a little too much fun being single, taking extravagant vacations, buying expensive cars and toys, and just generally enjoying the carefree life with your friends…

Brethren, there is a point at which it’s time to think seriously about marriage and to seek a companion with whom you want to spend eternity. If you choose wisely and if you are committed to the success of your marriage, there is nothing in this life which will bring you greater happiness."

I seriously felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of my shoulders and I could think so clearly.  My mind was enlightened to two principles.  1: China would have been an incredible experience.  But would it have given me true happiness?  What could be greater than having a marriage that could endure through the eternities?  Um... how about NOTHING.    2: This entire time I had focused on myself.  But what about Trent? I loved him and wanted him to be equally happy.  Through our ENTIRE relationship, Trent had made all the sacrifices.  Everything he did was to make me happy and everything I did was to make me happy.  But who was going to make Trent happy.  So, I finally did something I had never done before. I thought about us – me and Trent – as a couple. And when I thought about both of us {instead of just me}, the decision was easy. I chose an eternal marriage with a selfless man that I knew would never give up on our marriage.  Even if we ended up being poor college students, in a studio apartment, infested with bugs, in the heart of the ghetto, {oh wait- that’s happening now} I knew he would still love me.  And he does.

And guess what – I can honestly, truthfully, promise each one of you that I don’t regret it.

The Excuse - Part 2 of 3

Okay – heart to heart people – first of all I am sorry this next part is soooo long.  But I plan on turning this section into a little blog book of memories for Mr. Thompson and I.  So really I am not sorry.  Also, you are going to learn with this post that 1. I am afraid of emotions and feelings and 2. I use excuses and other things to hide behind those emotions.   The truth was I had NO plans to get married. So I went on dates but avoided ALL serious relationships like the plague.  My excuses were always “you’re going on a mission- you need to focus on that” “I am going to BYU – it wouldn’t work out” “you dated my friend – I don’t want to hurt her feelings”  and my last excuse “I am going to China – it would be unfair to make you wait and it wouldn’t work out.”  Notice I always made it about someone else.  Instead I should have said.  Listen, dating leads to marriage and I am TERRIFIED of marriage.  Because you can’t control what your spouse does.  One day, he can just say, “Marriage is too hard.  I don’t want to do this anymore.”   Bam. They can leave. Gone. And it terrifies me.  Just writing that brings me to tears. You are so vulnerable in a marriage.  So I avoided seriously dating because I wanted to avoid marriage.  Now that you know my fears… this next part might make more sense ;)

When I didn’t hear from Trent for a while, I was positive that he just wasn’t into me or that I had made this poor returned missionary too uncomfortable.  But I honestly didn’t think much about him after our first date.  I was trying to refigure my 5 year plan and I had one option – BYU-Idaho.  But my first semester would not be until January 2012 (and I received my acceptance letter February of 2011).  So I had a YEAR to wait.

But, he did call….. three weeks later.  He invited me to go to a Diamondbacks game for a date the upcoming weekend.  I consented but grudgingly.  My experience with baseball games was nose bleed seats, dying of hunger and thirst, and little ants running around the field while you sweat under the Arizona sun.  Well, this could not be a more inaccurate picture of our night.  Trent got AWESOME seats – like row 5 awesome seats.  He bought me dinner and drinks at the game AND dessert afterwards.  Now, I don’t mean to seem shallow but I was impressed.  He took really good care of me.  I knew that night Trent would be a great provider. 

Side note:  Later on when we officially started dating, I teased him unmercifully for waiting 3 weeks to ask me out on our second date.  He said, “Well, I wanted to earn the money myself to take you on a date.  So I got a job the first week, and then I had to work two weeks in order to get my first paycheck to ask you out.” Later his mom told me, “When he and Kent [his dad] were trying to get the tickets Trent said, ‘Dad, this girl is top-notch.  These can’t be lame seats.  It has to be the perfect date.”

Okay back to the story. We went on a few dates.  They were all fun and I loved being around him.  But then, Trent did the unmentionable.  It happened one day when he picked me up for school to go to lunch.  We were walking into In-N-Out and he asked if he could hold my hand.  The only thought racing in my mind was, “In Public?! You want to hold my hand in public where people can see?!” I was freaking out.  I had NEVER held someone’s hand in public before. I was dying. To me holding a guy’s hand in public is basically telling the world you are getting married you are officially dating.  And he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend so we were definitely not dating.  But, I said yes and the ENTIRE time I was sweating bullets.  I am so weird when it comes to PDA.  It was like that the entire time we were dating and engaged.

Three nights later, I got a phone call.  It was Trent, and he was upset.  Apparently there were pictures of me with another guy on Facebook.  I had gone hiking on a date and he had just posted the pictures.  It was harmless.  But you see, Trent thought that we were exclusively dating.  I was so confused. I remember telling him,

“Uh… no we aren’t?  You didn’t ask me to be your girlfriend?” 

“We held hands?! Doesn’t that make us official?”

I thought he was crazy. It was a long, awkward situation.  He ended the conversation saying, “Well, I want to be with you.  I want to be the only one you date.  So will you be my girlfriend?” I was leaving to SLC to our worldwide church conference the next day….with 5 guys.  So I said, “Let me go to conference and think about it and we can talk when I get back.” 

While at conference, we stayed with one of my best friends and her roommates.  On her wall were all these pictures drawn by children with Chinese words written across them.  I inquired about the pictures and she said that she had taught English to young children in China.  I am an Elementary Education major - so it peaked my interest. I started asking tons of questions and afterwards that was all I could think about?  I could go from July-December and then start school in January. I made my decision within 24 hours...I was going to China.

Trent and I didn’t have our DTR until about a week after I returned from conference.  There was a miscommunication on the time and so when he came to pick me up, I was in an XL sweater (I usually wear a small), torn jeans, and a pony tail.  Trent, of course, was in a nice collared shirt and pants.  We didn’t talk about my decision until we were driving home.  The date had gone well, but there was that nervous tension in the air.  He finally asked me if I had thought any more about us as a couple.  I told him I had decided last week I was going to China.  Of course, he thought I was clinically insane.  He was also mad – real mad.  He called me out too.  He said, “Do you really want to do this or are you just doing this because you don’t know what to do?”  Of course he was right.  But I wasn't about to admit that.  Instead, I became defensive and the whole thing ended pretty miserably.  He didn’t even walk me to the door that night.  But what did I care... right?! I was going to China?! Wrong.

Trent and I at the Daimondbacks Game

A few pictures from Conference.

 Look at those tight spiral curls - Obviosuly I am always up on the latest fashion.

Oh I LOVE these girls.

  

Rejected - Part 1 of 3

This is a story about a boy and a girl.  A girl who had a five year plan – that didn’t involve a boy.  And a boy – who was charming, persistent, and patient.  This is the story about the Thompsons.  Now, before I retell the events I want to say a few things.  Some people may not agree with some of our decisions.  Everyone has a different love story.  We followed the Lord and our hearts.  And I would not change any part of our history.

My whole life, I basically had one goal – get into BYU. My whole life was centered on this goal.  Everything I did at school, extra-curricular activities was centered on this goal. I was constantly looking at their criteria and making sure I did everything they wanted. I did not apply right after high school.  My GPA was average because I had taken so many honors classes - and recieved mostly B's. Which usually means an "A" because it is weighted.  However, BYU doesn’t take a weighted GPA.  Therefore, it brought my GPA down.  I also realized that if I went to a community college I would get my Associates Degree in one year because I had been taking college courses since I was a junior in high school – including summers.  Also, I had heard that it was easier to get into BYU as a transfer student.  Perfect! So, again, I did everything to prepare for BYU.  I was on institute board council, 3.9 GPA, excellent letters of recommendation – you get the picture.  I even went so far as to not seriously date any guy because, “I am going to BYU next year and I don’t want a long distance relationship.”  So you can imagine my abhorrence when I received my rejection letter. Literally I felt my dreams had been crushed.  I know – dramatic.

I received my rejection letter in the morning/afternoon.  But a few days ago, I had consented to a blind date with a boy named Trent Thompson for that night.  He had come home from his mission just two days before our date.  “Perfect,” I thought.  “He will be this awkward, returned missionary and I get to corrupt him and make him feel totally uncomfortable.”  I know – I am awful.  But seriously, newly returned missionaries are SO awkward.  It’s adorable.  Because it was a blind date, I looked him up on Facebook (didn’t they invent Facebook for this reason?) Ladies and gentlemen, I swear I thought I was going on a date with a 12 year old.  I think I asked his friend like 3 times, “How old is he? Are you sure?”  I wasn’t in the mood to go on a date – not when my hopes and dreams and been crushed just 6 hours ago.  But I wasn’t the type to back out the day of a date either. 

Later that night, there was a knock at my door.  It was the guy who had set us up on the date, Wesley.  I was slightly confused because Trent wasn’t there.  But apparently he had better things to do than pick up his date.  Instead, he sent Wesley and decided to meet us at Wesley's house. (Not that I am judgmental or bitter ;) I remember walking into Wesley’s house.  I met a few people and exchanged “Hello” and then I turned the corner.  Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome was standing right in front of me.  My first thought was, “He’s cute.  At least he doesn’t look like he is 12 – maybe 16.”  I think the first thing we did was shake hands - again awkward.  To make the situation worse everyone was quietly watching us.  Nothing incredible transpired over the night.  We did have a lot of fun togehter.  He wasn’t awkward at all, surprisingly.  We had pizza, did a scavenger hunt at D.I., and played darts at Wesley’s house.  He made me laugh and honestly I forgot that I had even been denied to BYU.  He dropped me off, we hugged, and then I didn’t hear from him again for three weeks…

 Pictures from our first date....

We had PIZZA

 Trent saw me in my underwear ;)

Of course we won...