Life as Of Lately

This is kinda a heavy post.  So bear with me.  I have had so much on my mind these past two weeks. And its has no meaning - just a bunch of stories and thoughts put down and probably best not shared, but like three people read this blog.    So much stress. My body gave up on me this last week.  I am pretty sure it was trying to tell me that if I didn't stop, I was going to hurt my child.  So it made me stop.  I have had the. worst. cold. of my life.  And its been like this for 5 days straight.  I thought for sure I had pneumonia. Maybe I do. I haven't actually seen a doctor yet. {I hate my stubbornness}   I have been working 60+ hours week for three weeks straight.  4th Grade Teacher, Assistant Managing, Piano and Voice Teacher, Wife, Homemaker, Friend, Sister, Daughter... GAH! Too much.  I know I push myself to the limit.  But everyday I ask myself, "How can I prioritize better?  What can I lessen in my life?" I think this question needs to be taken to the Lord, because I haven't found a solution and I need one. Fast.   Pregnancy was like a wonderful virus that was being passed around my school.  Now, we go from K-4th and there are only 14 teachers at the entire school.  Its lovely.  We are all so close.  Our special education teacher and speech pathologist just had their babies, 4 teachers were pregnant, and 1 teacher was chosen by a birth mom to adopt! It was an exiting time people.   Well, last week, a dear friend and perfect example {seriously, I want to be just like her} had a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  I got the call early in the morning and was trying to help her find a sub.  I thought for sure she was going to be okay.  I mean she had gone in around 6 weeks for the same thing and the baby had a great heartbeat and was there! After school I found out. I cried for her.  Did I understand exactly what she was going through? Of course not.  I never will know exactly how she felt  during the whole process. But that doesn't mean I don't feel or care about her situation.   That same night, I got a call from another friend stating that our friend, who is also a teacher, that was suppose to adopt in a little over a month received the news the mom had changed her mind.  Now, understand that just two weeks ago she had traveled hours to go see the ultrasound, meet her future son, pick out a name, and everything.  She has been infertile for five years now I believe.  She had wanted to do IVF (which is IMPOSSIBLE on a teacher salary), but the day before she was suppose to go down for the treatment, they raised the amount by $2000.  They couldn't afford it, so they had to cancel their trip. Heartbreaking.  The next day she got the call from the birth mom.  The birth mom said she had chosen them to adopt their baby. They thought for sure this was the answer to her prayers and why IVF didn't work out.  Only to find out they weren't going to receive that bundle of joy...  My heart literally broke into a thousand pieces.    These two stories have weighed heavily on my heart lately.  I have learned sometimes the best words are to say is, "I'm so sorry."   Last sad story, I promise.  A few weeks go, a little boy in my classroom was crying uncontrollably.  He was seriously crying the whole morning.    Prepare for a Mean Teacher/Biggest Learning Experience Moment:    Now, I don't really allow crying in my classroom because it's like the cold.  It spreads quickly and escalates quickly.  So I didn't listen to the spirit and tried to move on with class and let him console himself.  Finally, after my patience was completely gone I called him over privately and asked in a not-so-loving way, "Why are you crying??" He began to tell me that he found out his Grandpa had cancer and had six months to live.  He was thinking about this when he looked up at the walls in my classroom and read my poster that said, "Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." He said that the poster reminded him about his Grandpa and what his family is going through.  That they are going through a hard battle.  He talked to me about kindness and what it meant to him now. 4th Grader. Wow.   Sometimes I just want to flaunt my successes.  I thought for sure once I got pregnant I would blog, Facebook, and Instagram more.  I thought I would track the bump and do all those cute things that people would want to pin.  I always think I am going to post tons of pictures of when we go to Disneyland or take this trip.  Let people know about our awesome lives as if I have something to prove.  Then my sweet husband reminds me we don't do vacations to be cool, but we do them for our marriage and sanity.  He reminds me we don't get pregnant as a status, but because it's time to start our family and make that progression together. There is a sweet line between sharing successes and flaunting them.  Luckily, the majority of my friends are perfect at just sharing them.  But gosh darn it, its just one of my weaknesses.  Feeling like I need to gush out my successes because I feel like I have something to prove.    I guess that's why I stopped posting my blog on Facebook.  When I do, I get around 400 people to read that post.  Which makes me second guess everything I have written. And it also stops me from writing posts like these.  Posts about hard things that make my heart break or make me seem imperfect.   So here it to being behind on grades, a filthy house, a pushed to the limit body, gratitude for what I have, sympathy for trials, kindness because its necessary, and a little boy who I will not take for granted.  

Our Little Man

We are having a boy!  I'll be honest with you.  Trent and I were both planning on a girl.  Towards the end, I knew it was going to be a boy.  But secretly Trent and I both wanted a little girl.  He had a dream while we were dating that we were both at conference and he was carrying a cute little girl on his shoulders.  He could even name the exact location we were standing (although he had never been to conference) and said the dream felt incredibly real to him.  Frequently when we were first married, I would ask him to describe our little girl to me. I knew she was in Heaven waiting for us to bring her here.  Which brings me back to the reason why Trent was 200% sure that we were having a girl and I desperately wanted a little girl for his perfect dream to come true.  When we found out it was a boy, of course we were excited.  Boy or girl this child is loved.  Everyone kept asking me how I felt about having a boy, but I was so tired I am sure my responses were half convincing (note to self: don't do a gender reveal on a school night EVER again).  The next few days after the reveal were busy.  Trent and I hardly saw each other and I still was feeling indifferent.  Then Friday night my sweet husband took me on a date to our living room floor where we talked, laughed, and picked out some boy names. The way he talked about our little boy made me fall deeper in love with him and our son.  Ever since, I have been so excited.  Pinning every boy outfit on Pinterest (sorry to everyone who follows me) and planning insanely awesome nursery ideas.   Little guy, we love you.   Below are a few pictures from the party.  Thanks Sam for the pictures! You have always been the most selfless person I have ever met.  I know I will need your help on how to raise little boys. I mean you have two - so that means your an expert!? Right?  

How cute is this box. Thank you Kim! You are amazing!

 Gosh. I love my boys.



 Everyone was being so sweet and saying I hardly looked pregnant.  So there is me pushing out my stomach and holding my shirt flat saying, "Really people.  I looked like this before?" 

    How far along: 17 weeks

Total weight gain: 4 pounds.  I asked them at the office.  Super surprised because I was positive they were going to say 10.

Maternity clothes? Oh yes... So much! Target, ASOS, and Motherhood Maternity are my new favorites

Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: I go to bed no later than 8:00 most days.  Sometimes I even go to bed at 7:00 p.m.

Best moment this week: Seeing him move and kick during the ultra sound.  Oh that sweet moment is literally unforgettable.

Miss Anything? My body.  Constant pain, nausea, cramps, muscles hurting.  This is not how my body usually functions and I want my body back. 

Movement: When I lay down at night, sometimes I can feel him kick.  It's like a muscle spasm but it is where he is at so I know it is him!

Food Cravings: I don't know anymore. 

Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything.  I ran out of nausea pills and ignorantly thought that I should be okay because I am 17 weeks along.  Tomorrow I WILL get more.
Gender: Boy!

Labor Signs: Nope

Symptoms: Evening nausea and tiredness... The usual. 

Belly Button in or out? In!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: I cry.  But it's usually when Trent does something sweet.  Like the other day I said, "Honey, can we just talk."  He had just finished homework and I know was trying to relax but he turned off the T.V., smiled at me, and said,  "Sure. Honey. What would you like to talk about?"  I just started crying saying word spasms like... Sweet... T.V..... Sacrifice..... Greatest Husband....
Looking forward to: Getting my nausea pills back.  I need some sanity!

 

15 Weeks - This is Taking Forever

I hope I am not alone by saying I definitely don't feel pregnant.  Sure, I look pregnant and I have all the symptoms.  But I don't feel like I am having a baby.  I feel no connection, no crazy excitement all the time, nothing. Trent is the exact opposite.  He has taken the role of "Daddy" very well and seriously.  He always talks about our baby and I just quietly nod and agree.  I don't feel pregnant.  I was excited to hear the heartbeat, but it wasn't that surreal.  I mean, I felt like I was listening to my own heartbeat. It's weird. Hopefully feeling kicks will make it feel more surreal or finding out the gender - which is happening, in like, a week folks.  When did you feel that you were actually going to have a baby? Like it settled in? 

Sorry for the low quality picture.  This was actually taken 2 weeks ago (maybe even less).  But I took another picture and I looked exactly the same but the photo was even worse than this one - if you can even believe it!

How far along: 15 weeks

Total weight gain: I have no idea - like 3-5 pounds.  We still don't have a scale here. 

Maternity clothes? Oh yes... So much! Target, ASOS, and Motherhood Maternity are my new favorites

Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: Eh.  Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night STARVING.  That's weird.

Best moment this week: Exercising - now that I am not as sick, I go running 3x a week for 2 miles and then walk one more.   it feels fantastic!

Miss Anything? Eating what I want.  I had like a 1 inch slice of pizza - with tomato sauce (which means acid) and I threw everything up the rest of the day.  Stinking acid.

Movement: I wish!!! But sometimes I like to pretend I feel something.

Food Cravings: I crave what I can't eat. Like green and red salsa from Tia Rosas. Aaahhhhh! Or ketchup on my fries?! Or strawberries dipped in my fruit dip! YYYUUUUMMMM.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Steak is disgusting.  And if its raw I can't cook it or touch it or think about it. Like raw frozen chicken breasts - gross.
Gender predictions: I'm positive it's a girl.

Labor Signs: Nope

Symptoms: Evening nausea and tiredness... The usual. 

Belly Button in or out? In!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Happy or Moody most of the time: I felt a little moody this week - mostly just wanting to cry for crazy reasons.  But other than those few moments, I was mostly happy.
Looking forward to: Kayla having her baby! We are all rooting for you Liam!

     

Apparently Those Who Can't.... Teach.

  Have you ever heard of that saying, "Those who can do, and those who can't, teach?"  Well, I have NEVER heard that phrase in my life until about two weeks ago.  We were watching T.V. and a character said that exact phrase. Mr. Thompson immediately turned his head to see my reaction. And well, you would have thought someone had purposely killed my favorite pet.  I was so offended.  It didn't help that the pregnancy hormones kicked into over drive. After the Mr. finally settled me down, I just sat their thinking of my debate speech that I would say back to any individual who had the audacity to utter that phrase.  And you know what... I heard that phrase FOUR OTHER TIMES that week.  FOUR!  It is like articles, television, and other sources of media that I couldn't have a human debate with were taunting me with such an ignorant phrase.  I know people think that my career is worthless. And the sad part is sometimes I start to believe them.  Teaching doesn't feel like a real, prestigious, career.  In this state, we are paid $500 above the qualifications for Medicaid.  I believe that is by no accident. And although I am grateful that Trent and I have never had to even consider using those options, I have co-workers that have because they cannot support their small families.  Even Trent was paid $15,000 more than me working without any degree.  We are paid so poorly that we begin to think poorly of our profession and ourselves.  So I can see how that phrase became popular.   After much brewing, I found this story and it lighted a little flame of passion inside of me.     The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...) "Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time (or 6 hours in my case) when their parents can't make them sit for 5 minutes without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental... You want to know what I make?"

(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table....)

  I make kids wonder ... I make them question.

  I make them criticize ... I make them apologize and mean it.

  I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

  I teach them to write and make them write ... I make them read, read, read.

  I make them show all their work in math.    I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity & I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

  I make my students stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, because we live in the United States of America.

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.....) "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant.

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"   There will always be critics.  I believe that homemaking is the best form of teaching.  And I hear all day long the critics of homemakers. However, what can be better than influencing the life of a child?  Whether it is your own or a student, whether it is positive or negative,  the impact WE make is unchangeable.  And if it was me, I would only trust those who are TRYING to be patient, humble, reasonable, understanding, and kind with that responsibility.